Friday, August 12, 2011

Where I am honest, angry and sad

I’m very sad today. This is not a funny post. My S.O.’s favorite aunt died yesterday in a motorcycle accident.

It’s like a curtain just fell over the world. Yesterday, there were things that were so important. Today, those things are like ants at a picnic, small, annoying and almost beneath my notice.

I’ll not lie, my family has been through a lot of tragedy in recent years. My 34 year old brother had a terrible stroke that nearly killed him. Two of my grandparents died within 4 months of each other. For a long time, I just wore black because there was nothing I could say to express myself anymore. It was like my words had all left me.

This just feels impossible. She was so strong and solid. She would have taken over the world if someone hadn’t needed to keep the family in line and get dinner on the table.

I’m angry at the world. I’m not a fool, I know life isn’t fair—and thank all the gods anyone has ever thought to pray to for that; if the world were fair we’d deserve this shit—but this is just such a kick to the groin.

And I feel so guilty because we hadn’t gone out to visit in a long time. We hadn’t even sent pictures since Christmas.

All of us get that phone call, the one at an odd hour. You look at your phone and know there’s no good news on the other end. If you haven’t had one, it’s really just a matter of time. The only way not to get this phone call is to have no one you love. This is the risk of love.

I don’t have any words of wisdom like “go hug your aunt,” or “life is short.” Those words are true but also trite. They are the words society has taught us so we have a response when we are hurt and reeling from the disbelief that now there is a gaping hole in the family. Society has taught us these words because otherwise we’d scream our invocations to the powers that be, and when we receive less than ameliorating response, we would curse the gods who have seemingly turned their backs on us. So we have social norms, to couch the pain into pat answers. I’m not a fan of social norms.**

Damn it, I hate this part of life. 

** If my lack of sensibilities has offended, I do apologize. It is not my intent to hurt others, only to express myself while I still have words. 

1 comment:

  1. Rena, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I wish I had the right words for you x


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