Friday, March 8, 2013

A steaming hot side of Tea Theft

I was going to write you all another sappy post about how much I’m in love with my novel in edits, but even I can’t take the syrupy sweetness anymore.

So let’s talk cats.

Long ago, I decided that cats are something of the villains of the pet kingdom. I have two cats and two dogs. My cats are Puck and Gimli (Underfoot Toe-Slayer), and they rule the house with an iron fist of tyranny.

Despite having two 70lbs dogs, scraps go to the cats first (because the dogs are afraid of the cats!). The dogs sleep in the cat beds, while the cats luxuriate on the expansive doggy beds. The dogs tiptoe around Puck, knowing that if they look at her askew, she’ll rearrange their faces for her own enjoyment.
You think I'm scared of your cage?

Puck is the epitome of a cat in need of a diet, weighing in at 14 (!) pounds. She’s a Russian Blue, but we got her from the pound. Russian Blues were bred to take down small game, a heritage she delights to remind us if we ever let her outside (which we stopped doing when we noticed how nice the coyotes in our neighborhood looked!). Puck embodies the brutish sort of villain, the street tough. I’ve seen her pick fights with the dogs because they had the audacity to breathe in her general direction. She’s like a mobster thug: she doesn’t say much, but when she does, you know you’ve had a talking to. I once read a bunch of cat Haikus, and this is the one that describes puck best.

“Rule for today,
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.”

Gimli Underfoot Toe-Slayer on the other hand has a somewhat more subtle approach to villainy. I suppose this could have something to do with his diminutive stature tipping the scales at a whopping 7 lbs (between the two of them, we’re doomed for finding a cat diet to fit the needs of our house, erg!). His philosophy on life boils down to: “All your teas are belong to us.” 

This is my hoomin. Git ur own.

He’s a thief. He doesn’t pick fights with the dogs, he snuggles up and sleeps with them, then steals their food once they fall asleep. There isn’t a horizontal surface of the house that hasn’t been climbed by him, and he colluded with the dogs to commit house-plant-murder. Then he made the evidence look like a dog had done it when he cleaned all the dirt off his fur by rubbing it on the dog.

He does get himself into trouble from time to time, so I don’t think his villainous plans are well thought out. He’d be the kind of cat burglar with the elaborate plan to get into the vault, but no idea how to get out. Sometimes I wonder if he’s a little more like Captain Jack…

His cat haiku is

“Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.”

And how about you, got any outrageous my-cat-opened-the-door and let all the chickens out of the henhouse stories?


  1. I have a Captain Jack (I have now 3 cats, having re-homed one recently due to insurmountable personality conflicts with the other pets). My Captain Jack is a beautiful orange tabby with medium hair. He's very shy with strangers, but if he knows you is sweet and loving. His villainy is in thievery as well. He steals anything small. When he was still a young kitty I discovered this kleptomania. I came home from being out one Christmas season and noticed Jack dart out from under our Christmas tree. Thinking this was suspicious, I investigated and found a shredded bagel (plastic bag and all) under the tree. As I began to clean up, I lifted the tree skirt and there discovered a pile of hair ties, jewelry, cat toys, paper clips, the top to the sugar bowl, the top to a tea pot... I could go on. He obviously stashes his loot. I tried keeping hair ties in a drawer on my jewelry box, but he can pull drawers open and lift the tops up off of boxes. He's a determined thief, if anything. Good thing he's cute!

    1. OMG he stashes his finds! How very dragonish! I wonder if the thievery comes with the ginger tabbies.

  2. Ha! Loved this, Rena!

    We have a cat, Rosie. She's a huge, gray fluff-ball. When I had my hair salon, she'd pop in to greet my customers.(it was attached to my house.) Well, one day, I let her out to do her kitty business, and I heard a commotion. I flung open the door to find Rosie attacking my customer's two, full-grown boxers. Rosie would back up about 10 feet and launch toward them. Then she'd ram them in the sides, lol! Those dogs whimpered while we stood back screaming at Rosie to stop! After we finally broke it up, I scooped my cat into my arms and brought her inside. Then she stood in the window, parading back-and-forth to make sure the enemy hadn't returned. :)

    1. I LOVE this! I haven't had a territorial cat for years. My grandmother had a really mean one, and he'd do these leaping attacks. If only I'd had a video camera back then!

  3. I don't have a cat, but the little one on your photo is adorable. Nice break from your novel edits, playing with such a cutie. :)
    Silvia (from A to Z Challenge)

    1. He likes to jump up onto my shoulder from behind. No warning, just cat on your shoulder. It can cause a girl to squeal!

  4. that was hilarious! i totally agree! cats are evil, conniving villains! how can you have 2?!

    dogs in cat beds, ha! poor sweet doggies!

    1. Yes, cats are from the phylum Evilus Extremus (I think I might also be from that phylum...)

  5. I have both also. Two dogs, one cat. I love them both, but you have to have a special respect for cats. They have class and are the boss.

    1. I read a quote that sums up cats and dogs nicely:

      Dogs think they're humans.
      Cats know they're gods.

  6. My cat lulls the dog into a false sense of friendship, then likes to take a swipe at his nose with sharp claws. I don't think the dog has ever figured out why the cat is allowed to sit on our laps, and gets away with walking on the mantelpieces, and he's not!


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