Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Bigger than I thought

I'm working on a big revision right now. It's for a big book. It's not like anything I've ever written. It's so much not like anything I've ever written that I keep putting it off. It scares me. 
What if I completely fail this really beautiful idea?
What if I'm just not as good as I've always thought I was and the real reason I normally write fluff is because I'm scared to learn that I'm not good enough to write anything else? If I don't try, I won't know, right?

These are the the thoughts plaguing me as I tackle this monster, and by monster I mean a three part story that MUST be a three part story, and each part is about 90K, so I can't just smoosh them all together into one really long book. 
And it's full of pain and jealousy and duty and family and revenge and forgiveness, and I never write like this, so I must be screwing this all up. 

I feel like a fool for hoping. I feel like an idiot for trying. And I'm completely convinced that I'm just falling flat on my face, and everyone can see it except me.

Someone very helpfully suggested I send it to a beta. 

I did. I sent it to beta readers in 2017. My betas loved it. They thought it was great, but in 2017, I could see where it needed something more. More depth, more character, more something. It's taken me 2 years to figure out what that something is, and I love it even more, but as I'm standing here trying to implement that SOMETHING, I'm terrified that I can't do it. I'm terrified that I'm just flinging words around in the hopes that something sticks to the wall. 

So that's me, scared that I'm destroying an idea I love and thinking I'll never write another story like this one. Which just means I'm a writer with the kinds of worries a writer has. 

This is an Insecure Writer's Support Group Post. You can visit the Ninja Captain here, and don't forget to say hi to this month's cohosts: Gwen Gardner, Doreen McGettigan, Tyrean Martinson, Chemist Ken, and Cathrina Constantine.

8 comments:

  1. I think all writers can understand your pain, Rena. If it's the story that's inside you that just has to come out then I'm sure you will get there. Maybe rather than seeing it as a huge mountain to climb (3 books of 90K) focus on the small steps that will get you there and celebrate each achievement along the way. Best of luck and happy writing :)

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  2. We've all been there. Lately I've been struggling to get anywhere with anything - four times over the last couple of years I've gotten 30K+ words into a book and then just lost interest in it. You sound like you're much closer and still have the interest - so keep it up. Take your time, break it down into manageable chunks (today work on this chapter, or this page, or this paragraph) and just focus on finishing this stage. It will come.

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  3. Oh no, no, no you must shake it off and sit down and finish this book. There is nothing to fear but success...Good luck!

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    1. You remind me of Our Greatest Fear. Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. Don't give up. Keep plodding on through your fears! I felt like that with my current piece. It grew far more complicated than I envisioned it and I began to doubt I was good enough to pull it off. But I perservered and I'm so glad I did. You'll get there too. Have faith :)

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    1. Thank you! It is a unique agony when our project grow beyond us. Now if only I can live up to it!

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