I’ve avoided joining in on these. I don’t know why… Yes, actually I do. And that’s why I’m joining in today.
I’m afraid that people will mock me, laugh at me (rather than with me), that they will call me a fake and a fraud and otherwise inform me that I am worth less than they are. I’ve been afraid for years. I’ve been so afraid that I haven’t been trying.
That’s right, I haven’t been trying. I could pour my heart out into the world, but I haven’t. I’ve turned in half-hearted work, taken the easy way out, and when it doesn’t rock the rest of the world, I shake it off. After all, I hadn’t really tried. I didn’t really do my best, so it doesn’t matter that no one’s foot wear was threatening escape, I hadn’t even tried.
Because what would happen if I did try and I still failed?
Would I shrivel up and die like the wicked witch of the west?
If I never put my best work out there, then no one is ever rejecting me. They’re always rejecting my C+ game. Competent, but not the A game I know is in there somewhere.
C+ is a lot easier than A, too. I mean, all I have to do is come up with something competent and I can ship it off into the world. The rejection doesn’t hurt (well, it hurts, but it’s bearable), and there’s the sort of self congratulatory feeling of “See how well that did, and I didn’t even try.”
But I’ve been called out. A dissertation can’t be your C+ game. It’s A time. So for the first time in my life I’m pulling out everything, and I’m scared. I’m pouring out my heart, and it’s not enough. I’m so frightened that my A game isn’t an A game at all. My hardest might not be good enough. I’m staring down the barrel of true and complete failure, and it makes my heart race just to think about it.
Shit, I try not to do this sort of thing on my blog. How do I come back from telling the world that I’ve been faking it? I’ve been the fraud I’ve always been afraid other people would see and uncover. And now that it counts, I’m so scared I’m petrified that my best will only be tiny bit better than my phoning it in. My Real Effort isn’t going to be any better than my faking it. My fraud to protect my heart has backfired. I’ve been caught out by my old habits, and now I don’t even know if I have an A game at all.
What if they still hate it?
All I can do is do. I'd love to try, but Yoda might be on to something. I've been trying. I've got to do.